I’m sitting in a coffee house in a small town, remarkable to me because I grew up here. Also a bit ironic is the fact that Rodney & I tried to open a coffee house in this very place for years. Our journey led us to another state, and someone stayed here and did it. It’s busy. And I’m sitting at a table by the window, unemployed. Writing nonsense for no one to read.
I’m not sure it’s healthy to use the word “unemployed” because it can define you. But I am unemployed with untapped potential. I wonder how many homeless people are also unemployed with untapped potential. I’d venture 100%.
I feel a strong drive to reach out and find work right away. I want to provide a safe home for my kids. And clothes. And food. And used paperbacks. My friendship with God stays my hand. Either I’m crazy or God loves me. I believe he wants me to wait. I wrote in 2014 that I wanted to be trained in such a way that when God and I are flying along, and he decides it’s time to jump, I’m ready. [http://bit.ly/1Ea0SCC]
I want to be the companion that knows he always has a plan, the sidekick that is along for the adventure because he’s so irresistible I can’t stay away, but when the bad guys have us cornered, he always finds a way to route the bad guys and save the day/the world/me. Sometimes I even get to throw in a roundhouse kick to the face or hold the gun. I rarely do the amazing work, but I’m always there, and I fall in love with him more with each adventure.
I don’t want to misrepresent God. (I think Religion has done a whiz-bang job of that.) And I suppose because God is defined as LOVE in el biblia, everyone feels the right to define God by their own interpretation of love. But I think it’s because of his LOVE that he trains me. He doesn’t leave me alone. Some would argue that if he truly loved me, he’d accept me just as I am with no requirements. And he does absolutely love me just as I am. But he also knows how to get me to be My True Self. It’s a journey I can’t make alone. It goes deep into scary, terrified places in my fragile soul. I think if I were my own guide, I would see it all from the perspective of SELF as the center, and I guess I just ate from that table far too long. It’s like eating the same thing over and over and over. I can’t stomach it anymore.
I discovered at the ripe age of twenty-nine that I was incapable of love. And by love, I subscribe to this definition*. Four dear people were in my life on a daily basis, and I couldn’t love them. Three of them were under the age of seven. What do children need more than acceptance and love? Nothing.
And to find myself incapable of love was a devastating blow the the ego. I finally needed God and boy was he thrilled. It only took me thirty years to realize I wasn’t awesome.
End result: he takes me by the hand, and leads me into places that terrify me because he know’s he’s got me and that I’ll grow. He accepts me unconditionally at each stage in my development, but he also has dreams for me. And those dreams require courage. They require confidence. They require love.
Some people can look inside themselves to find their best self. All I found was a hideous, terrified monster. It’s taken years, but God’s faithful love has been suffocating that monster and in its place he leaves bits of courage, confidence and love. I believe he takes my broken pieces and puts them in place for the mosiac of my life. And I couldn’t be more grateful that he doesn’t subscribe to the love that leaves me exactly as he found me. He changes people. He changed me.
*love is patient and kind
love is not jealous and does not boast
love is not proud or rude
love is not selfish
not easily angered
and keeps no record of wrongs
love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth
love always protect, trusts, hopes, perseveres
love never fails