drinking gasoline

I think I’m going through some sort of mid-life crisis. I’ll google mid-life crisis in a minute and let you know. The descriptor might be off, but one word is solid: crisis.

I am in crisis.

Crisis I am in.

Today I woke up feeling as if I need to blow up something large, or at least blow myself up. Anyone mind telling me what the hell is going on inside of me? And is there any way we can go faster?

 

The desperation inside of me this morning was intense, so of course I began thinking of ways to subdue it. Is there an activity, other than actually blowing something up, that helps someone feel as if they might be okay if they DO NOT blow something up? Really, it was like I had to DO something: something physical, and fast, maybe a little risky, or at least unsuburban. I’m bewildered with a racing heart. Who put this napalm inside of me?

I thought maybe I could hop on my bike…quick! Riding in the rain is good; although riding in a storm is better. Any storms in the forecast?

Where can I ride? I’ve ridden that trail a hundred times, that won’t work. I need something new, and challenging, and not the same at all. Also, the trail is too short, and too easy, and I can’t go fast enough.

So the streets? Still not fast enough…and Where? Can I ride one hundred miles? Will that quench me?

I went for a run.

Not fast enough.

I’m still burning.


 

I understand Forest Gump a little more today. I want to get on my bike and ride and ride and keep riding until I’m done. What would it feel like to be Done? How long would it take me? A year? Can I burn this off with one year of constant motion? He ran for 19,024 miles. It took him three years, two months, fourteen days and sixteen hours.

That seems about right.

 


I have a fear that this is what adolescent boys feel like. If you opted to forfeit your life during adolesence, and instead choose plastic, does that mean you have to redo what you missed when you’re Real? Surely not.


A fire was lit with the words: May You Live Your Life. And not only do I know this is why I’m alive, I am here to help others live their life as well.

I could self-evaluate and think this is all a little too late. Why couldn’t I stumble upon this a couple of decades ago when it’s a little more acceptable to explore?

But I am an explorer. I didn’t know that two decades ago. So I didn’t explore then. I was shut down and blind and afraid. Now I know who I am, and least some of it. And part of me is an explorer. I’ve been pushing boundaries since I got free. I’m guessing it was always in there, just buried.

 


I went mountain-biking for the first time ever yesterday. That certainly scratched the itch.


 

A little while ago God called me Wild. It’s hard to know what to do with that word. I like it, that’s for sure. But being Wild here seems so limited. It can’t just be driving fast and getting a motorcycle and smoking and doing shots with strangers and saying “to hell with it!” with your hands in the air. That’s adolesence.

What’s Wild look like with Freedom and a huge canvas and faith and love and unlimited possibility?

Wild to me is Fierce & Untamed, a little dirty, a little rough around the edges. It’s knowing how & when to Risk. It’s Authentic & Honest. It’s Ballsy, Brave and Showing Up. It’s Trespassing with Respect. Also, it’s a little Frontiersy.

Mountain Biking was my kind of Wild. Something was required of me. It was my first ride; I was on a Beginner Trail and it still required something of me. Once a dog cut in front of me, and my back tire hit something and leapt out from under me. I held on and kept going and it was amazing.

I was smiling the entire ride. Except for the times we stopped.

The end of the beginner trail offered a parting gift: perfectly spaced hills, perfect depth, perfect height, I want to say perfect number, but since I wanted it to never stop, I guess technically it was too short. Worship escaped out of every pore. Adoring God with your life is worship.

Worship as expressed through…(enter person)…(enter life)

“Worship as expressed through Sandy mountain biking.” 

God loves worship.

So do we; we’ve just mislabeled it.


I haven’t been drinking gasoline. But it feels like God is sneaking it into my chest when I’m not looking. I asked him what this is, it feels so Fierce, and he said Love.

I’m not sure if that’s true. I’m not sure I can be a container for this stuff. He is a consuming fire AND love, so they’re compatable in his environment, which I’m pretty sure is holiness. I’m not sure they’re compatable here. What’s inside our molecules? Is it flammable? For the one zillionth time, I have no idea what I’m doing.

I do know this: something’s gotta give ’cause I can’t mountain bike daily to keep from blowing up.


we all fall down
written by: john shanks & jon bon jovi

don’t be afraid to lose your way
take that step
don’t hesitate

your time is now

don’t be afraid
to scrape your knees
on the straights of shattered dreams

stand up and be proud
I’m telling you now

CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN
HOW HIGH DOESN’T MATTER
DON’T EVER BE AFRAID TO FALL

WALK OUT ON THAT WIRE
CLIMB EVERY LADDER
KEEP YOUR BACK AGAINST THE WALL

AND DON’T BE SCARED TO HIT THE GROUND
CAUSE WE ALL FALL DOWN

down on your luck
you’re feeling small
the little things seem ten feet tall

watch your dreams fall apart at the seams
you wanna scream and shout out loud
when you sit up they knock you down

you’re a long way from home
but you’re never alone

we’re all digging in this dirt
we’re all living hand to mouth
we’re all trying to fit in
trying not to chicken out

life doesn’t wait, don’t hesitate
don’t lose your faith it’s judgement day

i’m calling you out

i’m calling you now

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