invisible and maybe not worth it

It been a bullshitty kind of day.

I feel like I’m shedding a couple layers of skin.

And I’m aging.

Which I used to love. I loved how every birthday I felt stronger and better and More.  I never thought much about age, and often said I was older than I was, just because I didn’t care and didn’t really know off the top of my head. I think I value that perspective. It seems healthy.

And now I’m feeling like a human being who’s growing old and irrelevant and on a level, invisible.

I think if I were discovered naked on a couch, I’d been seen more as terrifying than arousing.

I feel as if I’m losing something.

I watched several episodes of Grace and Frankie today and laughed out loud. I watched them scream for a checker in a grocery store, invisible. I watched a hot girl get help immediately. I was inspired (again) by Lily Tomlin. I love her fictional character, her bandana and her hair and her language. I especially love the way she’s navigating her emotions through a crisis. I loved that she painted a mess and called it her day.

I am beginning to not like aging. I’m beginning to be scared that people don’t know me and I’ll be forgotten. I sometimes feel as if I’m frantically stuffing notes about myself into other people’s pockets.

To be remembered correctly, you have to be known. Letting people into the scary bits means they get to form their own conclusions about what’s going on down there. You can’t dictate their view.

Is my life worth remembering? Am I worth remembering?

Part of me knows Yes, and part of me wants to not let you waste your time sitting next to me when there’s so many people in this world worth knowing. You should choose someone else. You should choose someone better.

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