breathe it in & let it out

Recently I felt the loneliness of never being truly and completely loved, followed by a longing for who I wish I was, and a love so consuming I can’t breathe.

Then I thought, “Don’t be such a girl.”

In a moment I felt shame I probably haven’t felt since childhood…shame for being a girl.

Which surprised me.

Where did I associate unrealistic desire as being girly and why is it more shameful than any other unrealistic desire? And what the hell is wrong with being UNREALISTIC? Why is being realistic such a fantastic, manly thing to be, anyway?

Do I feel Shame at my core for “girlish emotions”?

I think humans were created with a fire in our bones, that somehow this “civilized” society tamed out of us.

I think a healthy childhood involves undiluted adoration and curious exploration and storing up experiences in community and in solitude, in nature and in nurture.

These seeds grow over time. And as we grow, we learn life. We learn communion with god, self, and others.  And in adulthood, we’ve got something pretty substantial growing internally.

And yes, sometimes life is Ordinary in the Extreme: flat tires, chipped teeth, kitchen rags that stink. Expect Ordinary and be grateful for the people who are willing to tredge through it with you. These are the Golden Ones.

But!

BUT

BUT!!!!

We’re made for more.

We’re made for fire, and to moan and shout and growl.

Somehow we’ve separated this wild, passionate part of our selves, sliced it off almost, and hidden it in the box marked “Sexual Encounters.”

But why is passionate expression reserved for sex? (Oh yes, and playoff games and concerts…)

I find myself walking through a temperate culture, acting fine, being a spectator, being polite, watching “chill” and “cool” become the ideal, and even deep failure, families splitting, and friends departing are hardly mourned. No wonder heart disease is such an issue.

WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FEELING THINGS AND EXPRESSING THEM.

I am tired of talking about things over coffee and holding back tears. We need to be standing on our chairs and offering our barbaric yawps.

We feel pain, and we feel elated and that’s not embarrassing stuff, folks. That’s called Normal. A human being should feel things and express them in healthy ways. This is one of the things children need to learn. And they can’t learn this from adults who don’t know how.

It’s okay to love exuberantly. It’s good to let the love/pain combo in. Let’s allow ourselves to feel and talk and grieve and yearn and long and be alive. We can write what we really want to say, even if we keep it private for now. We can yell in our cars, not at people, not in anger, just to let something Big out. We can dance, even if we have to begin in solitude, DANCE without filtering yourself.

Do Something Without Filtering.

Someone has got to start kicking against this straight jacket of CONTROL AND FINE.

We are not in control.

We are not fine.

And it is okay.

 

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