As parents, we pass along what we believe. Whether we can articulate it or see it with our eyes, we are passing along what we picked up along the way. Conflict often arrises when children decide they no longer want what we’re passing out.
Because Fear is the foundation of the orphan culture, if that’s where we grew up, we often hand out fear to our children without even realizing it.
Some parents take care of children but are unable to love them because they don’t know how to access love. We don’t know where love comes from and how to receive it. We don’t know what love is.
In a material world, “love” to a parent can be the provision of tangible things, or Stuff: food, shelter, clothes, and depending on his or her social status, vacations, opportunities, a car, an education. (Not everyone values the intangibles of life, like love and acceptance and trust, but these “intangibles” are what I call the essentials.)
Some parents without true love, still use the word “love” to communicate their emotions or commitment to care for their children. So children begin learning about love from someone who doesn’t have any, and what they’re really learning is fear, and at a young age they become orphans.
When we, as children, realize we are not loved, internally that often translates as, we are: unloved, unloveable, unworthy, alone, unprotected, unsafe, and we feel powerless.
Fear often manifests in our bodies as abandonment, addiction, control, performance. These wounding lessons from our failure to connect and feel accepted collects as pools of shame, which can form internal pain or internal unresponsiveness.
I see most of these as pillars in the “orphan culture,” a culture fathered by Fear.
Some of us, at a very young age, have this gap and we know our parents are our entire universe and we need something from them. We realize we aren’t loved, not really. What takes a little bit longer to sort, is the realization that, yes, this was tragic, and also, it wasn’t our fault.
As a parent, I love watching my children be themselves. My favorite activities, favorite words, favorite moments are when I’m experiencing them being them.
I don’t want them to become “better.” I have no desire to see them “improve themselves” or demonstrate commitments to what’s important to me. But I desperately want them to become THEM. With all the zillions of people following the same damn highway, only one person can become THEM and that one person is THEM.
We all have essential pieces to receive and share. This means: EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US IMPORTANT.
I think God is tickled to death when he points to something buried in the mud, and his eyes sparkle as we pick it up and allow him to wash it off, breath into it, and put it back where it belongs.
This is one reason why trust is so important in our journey. Because sometimes it’s really hard to believe this piece is a part of us, we’ve become so accustomed to the lies, the truth is hard to believe. But if we trust him, we slowly find how beautifully the lost pieces fit. We are surprised to discover that we actually like ourselves.
Piece by piece, trust by trust, walking and digging in mud.
This is how we become UnLost.
This is how we become.
“To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love. To know how to love someone, we have to understand them. To understand, we need to listen.”
—Thich Nhat Hanh